I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
BRO LMFAO
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
adding to the discourse
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Shark week, but for squirrels.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I camp so other people don’t have to.