If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job