I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Welcome to the stomach
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes