To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.