Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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my fav colour is also hitler
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation