Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Dyslexics are teople poo!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point