20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
You Might Also Like
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably