If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.