Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
You are what you delete.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Lmao
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.