I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I am crying
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol