Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?