Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
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Is your wife single?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”