Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
The future is now.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.