90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I only treason on days ending in y
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…