Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
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[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register