bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
🚲+physics = winner
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people