Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
decorating my apartment
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
buys donuts instead
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.