So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.