PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause