I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?