I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
new career option?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Well, this explains it:
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be