I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
No. He’s not coming out to play
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”