Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
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My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I feel attacked.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened