I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
when u come home smelling like another dog
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.