Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.