Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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Watermelon Boss!
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly