Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.