DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones