*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
You Might Also Like
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
August 8
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult