On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You Might Also Like
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
hey, alexa
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
absolutely not
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
this post was so formative to me
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
yeah 😭
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation