Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
how it started vs how it ended
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
let’s discuss
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer