One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Traveler’s camo
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”