I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
What the hell happened here.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.