Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
choose your gary
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.