The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
You Might Also Like
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown