Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time