An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
🤣🤣💀