16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations