saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious