{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I need a headline like this
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Remember folks 😂
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another