Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*