Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in