for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
R.I.P.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic