They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.