If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
awkward