I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying