them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Note to self: always read the final line
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese