I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security