Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
You Might Also Like
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.