vegan witches, happy halloween!
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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
lol
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.